May hasn’t been good so far, that’s why I’ve been rather quiet. I tend to go off radar when I’m feeling grim – they say you should avoid talking politics and religion at dinner; despair and a pervading sense of pointlessness are similarly party-wrecking topics …
“Anyone care to join me in a slice of existential dread?”
“Er, I think I’ll stick with the stuffed peppers thanks”
“Sure? Can I interest you perhaps in a breadstick of doom? No? An olive of despair maybe? I can fully recommend the…I see, leaving already? You haven’t finished your…Oh” *sighs*
Of course none of the above applies if you are dining with Kafka et al, or Ingmar Bergman or indeed any of the Romantic poets. The problem in such circumstances would be getting a word in about your own miserablist issues. Fun times, eh?
Anyway, I believe this current little shiver of dread began as a result of feeling ill and (since feeling under the weather seems to mimic some of the symptoms of depression) has grown from there. I also suspect that feeling so unwell is linked to my medication – I’m steadily accruing a list of pills for things like insomnia, dizziness, nausea, headaches… basically I feel sort of vertiginous all the time. Whine, complain, moan. Either that or I have a particularly determined strain of flu that makes you sick if you watch anything spin/dart/dip.
But, moving along, this ( finally) leads me on to May’s challenge. It’s time to stop for a moment and do a bit of a review – how do the side effects of my meds balance against their benefits? How often does my mood change currently? What impact has therapy had overall? Have the life-changes I have made really been the right ones? And, you know, other stuff like that. I’m not suggesting that ditching medication and opting for acupuncture (which I would actually recommend, but not strictly for dealing with bipolar) is the way forward, but it might be smart at this juncture to work out…well, what’s working.
I started by using a little tool I found at https://www.beatingbipolar.org/ Now it’s hideously cheesy (with some appalling acting, just awful) and partnered with a number of companies which might suggest a certain interest in promoting a pharmaceutical diet (GSK etc.) but there are a few useful things to be accessed if you can deal with all that, including a life-map to help you work out any events which might have triggered episodes and look at any potential patterns.
To offset any bias you might encounter you could also read BadPharma which is an enlightening, and frankly scary, look at the pharmaceutical world. The title gives it away I guess.
So then…May means a bit of a BPAD review. This means I’m probably going to whine a bit, I’ll try to keep that on the low down though and share anything that might be useful.
First however, I’d like to briefly moan about insomnia – It’s wrecking me. But that’s all I have to say on the matter.