Monthly Archives: May 2015

May’s Up Close and Personal – you know it’s bad when…

Your doctor gives you a hug.  Then calls the crisis team.

Let’s say it hasn’t been a good week.

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Lack of sleep  is probably the main cause of this nasty little turn, plus my usual medication messing with other medication.  Add a few run of the mill frets and bad times are afoot.

Still, I’m feeling more ‘normal’ now and didn’t end up under a bus or at the bottom of a bottle (ha, I wouldn’t get more than a third of the way down anyway) although I did smoke half a cigarette then put it out because it was horrible.  This depressed me too – I gave up smoking over a year ago but thought I could always go back to it if I ran out of vices.  Damn.

Anyway, after I had finished bouncing off the walls  with a mad sort of anxiety (Mixed state? You can keep it.) I had some interesting conversations and it does seem to be the consensus that I have become very ‘flat’ in the months since I started on Lamictal. Never mind the miserable side effects that seem to multiply over time. Luckily I have an appointment with the psychiatrist the first week of June (been waiting since November – ouch) and will see what other options there are.  Carbamazepine was horribly lethargy-inducing …but it didn’t give me half the trouble Lamictal has.

To be honest I had more fun without the meds, which now seem to have a limited effect anyway.  My mood-swings are shorter and not quite so extreme (mostly) but the price for that seems to be a flat- kind- of -half-life.  *tiny string quartet*

However, it’s kicking out time at the pity-party now.  Enough.  Normal service will be resumed shortly.

In the meantime, and on the subject we can’t talk about *TW* I found reading this in the NY Times  quite interesting, although the corresponding image is a bit…well take a look… And this  *TW* which has an equally confusing cover- image but was quite comforting.

To better days…

Peace x

May Challenge – Up close and personal (within the bounds of decency of course).

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May hasn’t been good so far, that’s why I’ve been rather quiet.  I tend to go off radar when I’m feeling grim – they say you should avoid talking politics and religion at dinner;  despair and a pervading sense of pointlessness are similarly party-wrecking topics …

“Anyone care to join me in a slice of existential dread?” 

“Er, I think I’ll stick with the stuffed peppers thanks”

“Sure?  Can I interest you perhaps in a breadstick of doom?  No?  An olive of despair maybe?  I can fully recommend the…I see, leaving already?  You haven’t finished your…Oh”  *sighs*

Of course none of the above applies if you are dining with  Kafka et al, or  Ingmar Bergman or indeed any of the Romantic poets.  The problem in such circumstances would be getting a word in about your own miserablist issues.  Fun times, eh?

Anyway, I believe this current little shiver of dread began as a result of feeling ill and (since feeling under the weather seems to mimic some of the symptoms of depression) has grown from there.  I also suspect that feeling so unwell is linked to my medication – I’m steadily accruing a list of pills for things like insomnia, dizziness, nausea, headaches… basically I feel sort of vertiginous all the time.  Whine, complain, moan.   Either that or I have a particularly determined strain of flu that makes you sick if you watch anything spin/dart/dip.

But, moving along, this ( finally) leads me on to May’s challenge.  It’s time to stop for a moment and do a bit of a review – how do the side effects of my meds balance against their benefits?  How often does my mood change currently?  What impact has therapy had overall?  Have the life-changes I have made really been the right ones?  And, you know, other stuff like that.  I’m not suggesting that ditching medication and opting for acupuncture (which I would actually recommend, but not strictly for dealing with bipolar) is the way forward, but it might be smart at this juncture to work out…well, what’s working.

I started by using a little tool I found at https://www.beatingbipolar.org/   Now it’s hideously cheesy (with some appalling acting, just awful) and partnered with a number of companies which might suggest a certain interest in promoting a pharmaceutical diet  (GSK etc.) but there are a few useful things to be accessed if you can deal with all that, including a life-map to help you work out any events which might have triggered episodes and look at any potential patterns.

To offset any bias you might encounter you could also read BadPharma which is an enlightening, and frankly scary, look at the pharmaceutical world.  The title gives it away I guess.

So then…May means a bit of a BPAD review.  This means I’m probably going to whine a bit, I’ll try to keep that on the low down though and share anything that might be useful.

First however, I’d like to briefly moan about insomnia – It’s wrecking me.  But that’s all I have to say on the matter.

Peace x

Groan. Complain. Sleep. Repeat

istillaten'tdead

Nope, still not dead, just poorly.   And grumpy.  Pity me.  I have a plan for my May challenge (which is not entirely unrelated to being ill) but it’ll have to wait until my bones don’t ache.

‘Til then x

chickenfever